Inside out / outside in?
There’s a great deal of emphasis on getting out into the world, buying that house, ramping up those side hustles, getting yours, etc, etc, blah. Our sense of self needs to form a solid nucleus, and from this core, build outward until there is a robustness that is not easily compromised.
It often seems like the world wants us to do the opposite - to pretend we have it all together, look nice and shiny, and hope the ‘building’ part happens automatically. It doesn’t.
We end up in a world largely populated by people trying to feel solid, without much of a sense of what to do about it. This ‘hollowness’ accounts for a great deal of the suffering in the contemporary mind.
The short version
Question: how can you know what you want, if you’re not sure who you are?
For the recipe we’ll need some time, some space, some energy, some intention, some reflective tools, some vulnerability, some resolve.
Showing up
Authenticity is not about seeking validation or approval from others. It's about honouring your own truth and living in accordance with your values. It requires self-awareness and self-acceptance, as well as the willingness to explore and embrace all aspects of your identity.
Living authentically allows you to cultivate deeper connections with others. When you are genuine and transparent, people are more likely to trust and resonate with you.
Yes, there’s a whole bunch of throw away stuff like ‘be yourself, everyone else is taken’, ‘live on the edge, otherwise you’re taking up too much space’ so on, so forth. I’m willing to admit, I kind of agree. Not in a ‘let's put on a Redbull wingsuit and jump off a cliff’ type way necessarily, but I can’t imagine anyone really wanting to live without expressing ‘self’ in a way they consider to be meaningful.
When actions ignore values
When we suppress ‘self’ conform to societal expectations or the desires of others, we sacrifice our own needs and desires in the process. This can lead to feelings of frustration, dissatisfaction, and a pervasive sense of emptiness. It erodes our self-esteem. It creates a disconnection between who we truly are and the persona we present to the world. The wider the internal chasm between values and actions, the greater the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. It can leave us perpetually yearning for acceptance and validation from others - and resenting the world for not giving it to us. There are some things we can only give ourselves, and this is one of them.
The stress and anxiety that arise from constantly suppressing our true selves (a.k.a. masking) impacts the mind, and reasonably soon after - impacts the body. Once the immune system is compromised, we become vulnerable to a litany of other maladies. Unsurprisingly, studies keep showing us that people who live congruent lives (actions = values) experience lower levels of stress and higher levels of life satisfaction.
Simple, but not easy. It’s a big undertaking, and requires courage, self-reflection, and a willingness to confront our fears and vulnerabilities.
‘Shoulds’ and ‘Musts’
Without a solid sense of self, developed and refined over years, we’re unlikely to hold ground against the endless army of expectations (you should do X, you must do Y, etc).
We need to take a break from ‘doing’ - work, adulting, surviving, supporting - and ‘be’ for a while. Self-awareness and introspection arise spontaneously when there’s space, allowing us to question the validity and relevance of ‘all the crap out there’ to ‘what I want in here (mind)’.
Nobody wants to feel downtrodden and part of a large, McDonaldising, cookie-cutting machine. That just doesn’t sound fun. But we tend to make the mistake of striving harder and ‘outwards’ into the world, instead of easing back a little and taking stock.
Our brains aren’t always helpful with this endeavour. Unsurprisingly, our brains are running on pretty outdated firmware (about 100,000 years old). We evolved to use the minimum resources to lead us to safety - and keeping us there. The problem is that what is ‘safe’ is also familiar, predictable, and by definition, does not produce the challenges required for introspection and growth.
In short: we need to be okay not having all the answers, making mistakes, and being a little vulnerable. Even without a history of anxiety, this is going to take each of us to uncomfortable places. It takes time and practice, and is more of a ‘way’ of life than any particular goal.
Each step we take towards embracing our true selves brings us closer to living a life that aligns with our values and passions.
If you want to find out about yourself, stop doing what everyone else does and hoping it will make you happy. First of all, the other people doing the thing probably aren’t that happy either - they’re just following the next person.
Clicking into place
To align your actions with your authentic self, start by taking the time to reflect on what drives you, your ‘why’, your values, beliefs, etc. What are the principles that guide your life? What matters most to you? Most people have little or no idea, or they do the old ‘CTRL-C / CTRL-V’ and just adopt someone else’s.
Invest in your passions and interests - they will pay dividends. What activities, hobbies, or pursuits bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment? Make space in your life for these things. Whether it's painting, hiking, writing, or volunteering, engaging in activities that resonate with your authentic self will nourish your soul and bring a deep sense of satisfaction.
Set boundaries. Learn to say no to things that don't align with your values or bring you joy. It's okay to prioritize your own well-being and focus on what truly matters to you. By doing so, you create space for the things and people that truly align with who you are.
Give yourself permission to not be everybody’s favourite person. Maybe even to be disliked along the way.
Ditch the Disney version…
Cultivating self-acceptance and self-love is a transformative journey that allows us to break free from societal expectations and embrace our true selves. In a world that constantly bombards us with unrealistic standards and pressures to conform, it can be easy to lose sight of our own worth and uniqueness. I feel I’m walking a fine line between cliche’s and trashy magazine articles just using words like ‘uniqueness’ and ‘unrealistic standards’ - but there’s truth to it.
We all have an inner critic - and that’s a good thing. As long as it does its job. It’s a great advisor, but a terrible CEO. It needs to be ‘a’ voice, not ‘the’ voice in your head. Almost everyone has a mean, self-loathing element somewhere within - the only difference is how loud, intrusive, persistent and believable it is.
Quality, not quantity
On one hand, people will say ‘you get out what you put in, you need to invest in relationships’. Those people are right, but we’re all pretty conditioned to think of the difficult way of doing things (willpower, effort, persistence). All good things.
I propose another way which is perhaps even more fulfilling. Change your internal environment. Invest time internally, re-author your aspects of ‘self’ as you see fit. Those changes will naturally bring you towards others of similar nature.
Choose well
As I often say, write and think: “simple…not easy”. Sure! Just unplug from millennia of conditioning, the expectations of your social connections and ‘strike out’ on your own! Do that before lunch, then off to yoga…
It’s not easy. That’s why I consider it more of a ‘way’ (call it ‘true north’ on our inner compass). You’ll need to navigate uncharted territory, move around obstacles, and even whip out the psychological machete and trim back some vines to keep on track. So instead of dropping back into the ‘it’s too hard so why bother’ or the black-and-white of ‘failed / succeeded’, give yourselves a break and just be curious, be open to a mild-moderate amount of challenge, and have fun along the way.
You'll feel more. Of almost everything. You'll be interacting with life in a more daring kind of way, and life will bring you more of what you seek.
Comments